I had the question 'messages using word and image' and i wanted to convey a message that meant something to me, something that was important and that would overall, create an general understanding to anyone who saw it. So i used my anorexia and my recovery as a catalyst to an insight into a world which we, ourselves create and then regret. It was a huge step. I questioned whether this was the right thing to do, afterall anyone who walked into the art room would see it, students, teachers, visitors.. and people would know i was the artist because pictures would be involved. My art teacher was very understanding, she urged me to do it, as long as it would aid my recovery and not make it slip. i didn't know which it would do. afterall, pictures are a huge trigger within themselves, but it turned out to be the perfect idea. My book was completely focused, and i used my own personal experience for a complete section. I was soo thorough with this project, it was something i felt i had to do perfectly, i had to make a statement and i had to make sure that anyone who saw it, would get into the mindset of someone with an eating disorder and how difficult recovery would be. In all honesty, i thought it could help me, maybe make me see what i had done, how i'd hurt people and how im not alone in my actions, i wanted to widen my view to something bigger than me and my problem. There were moments where it did trigger thoughts and actions, and my recovery did slip slightly, but after it was finished i couldn't be prouder of what i had put myself through. Revisiting places in my mind and seeing my past was hurtful, and most of the time i cried after doing a piece of my work. It was hard, but what in recovery isn't? it did give me a release in some ways, i let things out and i had shared what i felt both at the time when my anorexia had full grip and also during the early stages of recovering. I was scared of what people would think and how they would react to something so provocative, especially on such a 'taboo' subject. But it needs to be talked about, to be expressed and conquered. Thats the problem with eating disorders and things of a similar nature, they're all about secrets and lies, deception and lack of understanding. If more people talked, maybe there would be fewer deaths from things like this.
Here is my final piece (i'll upload the pictures from my book when i get it back after i have my results)
After i'd finished people were asking to see what i'd done and look in my book, i didnt know how to react, but then i remembered why i'd decided to do this in the first place, to make people aware of how horrible these illnesses are. So i showed them, some people were shocked, some intrigued, some resentful but not one caring, at least not until my teachers saw it. Generally after the art exams, teachers from all departments come to look and see what people have done.
Almost every teacher i had seen that day told me how fantastic it was, how amazing they thought i was for being brave enough to do that. I didn't. I just knew it was something i had to do, to help myself. Even now, when i've left school (not long ago, only a few days ago!) teachers that i thought had no idea about me or my eating disorder, wrote messages of strength and pride, reminding me of the kind of person they think i am to give me that little bit of encouragement i need. Reminding me it's 'what's on the inside that's important' and to 'remain strong' and 'focus on achieving my dreams' to 'believe in myself and believe what other's say about me' and that 'one day you'll get there'
it dawned on me they must've seen it. Not that it was very hard to guess of course. and to know that they knew about my anorexia, or it had indeed confirmed what they had suspected and they still told me the same things about myself, they still treat me the same way as before, that they ultimately thought more of me as a person for trying to fight this illness gave me hope.
I really wish that others find this hope to! it might not last forever, it might not even last longer than a week or a day or even a minute, but every single bit of hope we get, we need to cling to it and some day, we'll have hung on to that much that we'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.
<3
