Okay,
im stuck. and it really is 'one of those days' but why do those days last longer than a day? why do they last weeks or months? why does it sometimes feel it'll never end.
Therapy this week was hard. straight away on a monday morning, and i dread it everytime. not because my therapist is horrible, or she doesn't understand- its nothing like that. more like she understands too much, like really she knows everything im thinking and guesses everything i'm feeling with such accuracy that its hard to accept. We talked about Christmas the week before (ironic as this was the time i should've been hospitilised!) she asked me to imagine she was the ghost of christmas past and i was with her. What would we see if we were both stood outside of that window? how would the family look? what would we all be doing? easy- everyone else would be excited about decorating the house, the parties, singing and dancing and all with big gleaming smiles. what would i be doing? watching them all. It wasnt always like this, but as my therapist quite rightly pointed out, i soon realised that it was just another day, but you had to force a smile even if it was the last thing you wanted to do, you had to act happy and join in because christmastime is 'family time' no exceptions. i hated christmas, it was all so forced, all so predictable, 'course there were the times when dad set fire to the turkey, or the tree fell over , or someone got a little bit too drunk, but they were overshadowed by the loneliness i felt. to me it made me different (in a bad way) and i never got passed that. The main part of my therapy over the past few weeks had been to do my journal, which i had, but i could never share it. i was scared that i'd be seen as different, weird, and alone in my thoughts. i was always the quiet one, who kept to myself, i had friends, but they never ever ever got past the wall id spent years building up as protection. and to let my therapist read my journal, well i hated it, it was too much related to me, and i couldnt get past it. she'd told me her experiences of christmas, which in all honesty were similar, not the same circumstances, but similar. she did it to prove a point. that maybe im not as stupid and different as i thought, that maybe there are infact different versions of normal. I know shes right, i know exactly what she's saying but i just cant feel the things i think. I found it really hard to accept that the thoughts i had werent so wrong, but were just opinion, the rules i'd lived by for so long had been shattered within an hour and soon, i came to see all the faults that lie within them.
im supposed to be thinking about whether to share my journal or not, but if im honest im just procrastinating on that front. i have my exams in the coming weeks, and im putting all my attention to that and trying to ignore my appointments, meetings, thoughts and feelings. ohh and im avoiding all mirrors. as i keep being reminded, for your brain to function you need energy, you get this energy from food, so i need to eat well to do well in my exams, which i know has made me put even more weight on im sure, so for now i'll avoid he subject as much as possible. However, i have a feeling that it'll come back to haunt me later
Please suscribe to my blog, and everyone else out there, i know its tough- KEEP FIGHTING!!
all my love,
C
<3
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