ok so right now, I can't do this.
All the signs of ED are back with me..
I'm freezing all the time and have to carry that stupid hot water bottle around with me constantly, the hair that was kind of growing back is now dropping out again, my skin literally looks grey and I'm so lethargic it's untrue (could be the constant work and lack of sleep though...) and Oh yeah. my cigarette intake must've increased by at least five a day, I don't have the money for this kind of confusion.
Her stupid voice is back in my head. I don't even feel like I'm here anymore. My mum even said to me today, that i wasn't the one who was speaking to her, it was my illness.. her.. Lexi.
Yes she has a name, and believe me she has a voice which, at the moment, is louder and stronger than mine.
I don't want that to be the truth. Seriously, I genuinely wish that I can say honestly that i feel the slightest bit better. I want the day to come when I can say to my family and friends
'I'm here. I'm standing on my own two feet, without leaning on Lex. I've done it. I feel great, I want life and everything that comes with it, I want to embrace the world with open arms for everything that it is and enjoy every last minute of it and I never would have made it here without you'
But honestly? I don't see that day ever happening. I dont see any change in my life. I see me, where I am, and my life being this continous vicious cycle that won't end until the day I die. Nothing can kill her, not unless it kills me first. This would be the problem. I want them to be proud of me, I want to repay them for the time, love and kindness I've been shown throughout this. I know it doesn't mean that much to them, they just wanted to help. But repaying that debt to them is the greatest wish I hold in my life.
Unfortunately at the minute I'm resisting them, I'm resisting treatment, I'm resisting their love and affection. I don't deserve treatment, love, or even to be happy. It's not that I'm fighting them, I just don't have the strength to fight against Lex right now.
I keep bringing out my 'Box of Smiles' everyday, reading the messages of the people I need to pay back. I'd do this just for them if I could, but my life cannot be lived just for everyone else, no matter how guilty I am, no matter how ashamed and apologetic I feel, I love them but I'm afraid I need to find a bigger reason to do this.
Keep fighting <3
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