Oh no :(

Hey everyone.
ok so right now, I can't do this.
All the signs of ED are back with me..
I'm freezing all the time and have to carry that stupid hot water bottle around with me constantly, the hair that was kind of growing back is now dropping out again, my skin literally looks grey and I'm so lethargic it's untrue (could be the constant work and lack of sleep though...) and Oh yeah. my cigarette intake must've increased by at least five a day,  I don't have the money for this kind of confusion.
Her stupid voice is back in my head. I don't even feel like I'm here anymore. My mum even said to me today, that i wasn't the one who was speaking to her, it was my illness.. her.. Lexi.
Yes she has a name, and believe me she has a voice which, at the moment, is louder and stronger than mine.
I don't want that to be the truth. Seriously, I genuinely wish that I can say honestly that i feel the slightest bit better. I want the day to come when I can say to my family and friends

'I'm here. I'm standing on my own two feet, without leaning on Lex. I've done it. I feel great, I want life and everything that comes with it, I want to embrace the world with open arms for everything that it is and enjoy every last minute of it and I never would have made it here without you'

But honestly? I don't see that day ever happening. I dont see any change in my life. I see me, where I am, and my life being this continous vicious cycle that won't end until the day I die. Nothing can kill her, not unless it kills me first. This would be the problem. I want them to be proud of me, I want to repay them for the time, love and kindness I've been shown throughout this. I know it doesn't mean that much to them, they just wanted to help. But repaying that debt to them is the greatest wish I hold in my life.
Unfortunately at the minute I'm resisting them, I'm resisting treatment, I'm resisting their love and affection. I don't deserve treatment, love, or even to be happy. It's not that I'm fighting them, I just don't have the strength to fight against Lex right now. I can't fight against either of them. I'm just in the middle. Stuck in the same place I was a year ago, two years ago, even three now...

I keep bringing out my 'Box of Smiles' everyday, reading the messages of the people I need to pay back. I'd do this just for them if I could, but my life cannot be lived just for everyone else, no matter how guilty I am, no matter how ashamed and apologetic I feel, I love them but I'm afraid I need to find a bigger reason to do this.

Keep fighting <3

Its been a while.

Oh dear. looks like I've neglected this for a while!
I'll update..
So i left school, achieved the highest GCSE exam results in my entire year (and was very proud!) and am now at college, studying my Alevels - Art, Sociology, English Literature and a pre teaching course. I also had an awards evening not long ago (November possibly?) and enjoyed spending the night back at my second home, where i belong.
I have a new recovery tattoo! designed by myself involving the NEDA symbol and the initials of the names of every person who made me feel worth something...

i love it and its the best yet!!
Ohh and hey guess what?
IVE BEEN IN TREATMENT FOR A FULL YEAR! - the 18th of December was my one year mark, and i actually cannot believe I've perservered for long enough to achieve that. Although it feels like not much has changed, i'm hoping that maybe things will soon!!
I've made a few minor changes - dyed my hair for example! I've been a bright blonde since the day i was born and have now been reverted to brunette! take a look ..

it's growing on me i must admit!

Right now, i have a full 'Wuthering Heights' classic Bronte to plough through, ten tonnes of art that quite frankly is destroying my patience and a sociology exam to revise for that's blowing my mind- so I'm in the mood for a 3:30am venting session.
I wish that i felt more relaxed and sociable at college- unfortunately that's not the case, i've never felt more awkward and lonely in my life. I miss my school, my second home, the place i was taken care of, looked after, considered, acknowledged, the place i excelled and respected so many people for caring so much about me- my god my hearts in two. I should be moving on, but without their constant reassurance and guidance, i'm so incredibly lost. So much so, that my work experience i now spend with my old art teacher- probably to satisfy my sub-concious and make me feel safe.  
I'd love more than anything to continue rambling, but the Christmas holidays are soon over and the workload remains very large. No rest for the wicked.
Stay strong
<3