To share or not to share?

Okay,
im stuck. and it really is 'one of those days' but why do those days last longer than a day? why do they last weeks or months? why does it sometimes feel it'll never end.
Therapy this week was hard. straight away on a monday morning, and i dread it everytime. not because my therapist is horrible, or she doesn't understand- its nothing like that. more like she understands too much, like really she knows everything im thinking and guesses everything i'm feeling with such accuracy that its hard to accept. We talked about Christmas the week before (ironic as this was the time i should've been hospitilised!) she asked me to imagine she was the ghost of christmas past and i was with her. What would we see if we were both stood outside of that window? how would the family look? what would we all be doing? easy- everyone else would be excited about decorating the house, the parties, singing and dancing and all with big gleaming smiles. what would i be doing? watching them all. It wasnt always like this, but as my therapist quite rightly pointed out, i soon realised that it was just another day, but you had to force a smile even if it was the last thing you wanted to do, you had to act happy and join in because christmastime is 'family time' no exceptions. i hated christmas, it was all so forced, all so predictable, 'course there were the times when dad set fire to the turkey, or the tree fell over , or someone got a little bit too drunk, but they were overshadowed by the loneliness i felt. to me it made me different (in a bad way) and i never got passed that. The main part of my therapy over the past few weeks had been to do my journal, which i had, but i could never share it. i was scared that i'd be seen as different, weird, and alone in my thoughts. i was always the quiet one, who kept to myself, i had friends, but they never ever ever got past the wall id spent years building up as protection. and to let my therapist read my journal, well i hated it, it was too much related to me, and i couldnt get past it. she'd told me her experiences of christmas, which in all honesty were similar, not the same circumstances, but similar. she did it to prove a point. that maybe im not as stupid and different as i thought, that maybe there are infact different versions of normal. I know shes right, i know exactly what she's saying but i just cant feel the things i think. I found it really hard to accept that the thoughts i had werent so wrong, but were just opinion, the rules i'd lived by for so long had been shattered within an hour and soon, i came to see all the faults that lie within them.
im supposed to be thinking about whether to share my journal or not, but if im honest im just procrastinating on that front. i have my exams in the coming weeks, and im putting all my attention to that and trying to ignore my appointments, meetings, thoughts and feelings. ohh and im avoiding all mirrors. as i keep being reminded, for your brain to function you need energy, you get this energy from food, so i need to eat well to do well in my exams, which i know has made me put even more weight on im sure, so for now i'll avoid he subject as much as possible. However, i have a feeling that it'll come back to haunt me later
Please suscribe to my blog, and everyone else out there, i know its tough- KEEP FIGHTING!!
all my love,
C
<3

Art exam ♥

I had the question 'messages using word and image' and i wanted to convey a message that meant something to me, something that was important and that would overall, create an general understanding to anyone who saw it. So i used my anorexia and my recovery as a catalyst to an insight into a world which we, ourselves create and then regret. It was a huge step. I questioned whether this was the right thing to do, afterall anyone who walked into the art room would see it, students, teachers, visitors.. and people would know i was the artist because pictures would be involved. My art teacher was very understanding, she urged me to do it, as long as it would aid my recovery and not make it slip. i didn't know which it would do. afterall, pictures are a huge trigger within themselves, but it turned out to be the perfect idea. My book was completely focused, and i used my own personal experience for a complete section. I was soo thorough with this project, it was something i felt i had to do perfectly, i had to make a statement and i had to make sure that anyone who saw it, would get into the mindset of someone with an eating disorder and how difficult recovery would be. In all honesty, i thought it could help me, maybe make me see what i had done, how i'd hurt people and how im not alone in my actions, i wanted to widen my view to something bigger than me and my problem. There were moments where it did trigger thoughts and actions, and my recovery did slip slightly, but after it was finished i couldn't be prouder of what i had put myself through. Revisiting places in my mind and seeing my past was hurtful, and most of the time i cried after doing a piece of my work. It was hard, but what in recovery isn't? it did give me a release in some ways, i let things out and i had shared what i felt both at the time when my anorexia had full grip and also during the early stages of recovering. I was scared of what people would think and  how they would react to something so provocative, especially on such a 'taboo' subject. But it needs to be talked about, to be expressed and conquered. Thats the problem with eating disorders and things of a similar nature, they're all about secrets and lies, deception and lack of understanding. If more people talked, maybe there would be fewer deaths from things like this.

Here is my final piece (i'll upload the pictures from my book when i get it back after i have my results)

After i'd finished people were asking to see what i'd done and look in my book, i didnt know how to react, but then i remembered why i'd decided to do this in the first place, to make people aware of how horrible these illnesses are. So i showed them, some people were shocked, some intrigued, some resentful but not one caring, at least not until my teachers saw it. Generally after the art exams, teachers from all departments come to look and see what people have done.

Almost every teacher i had seen that day told me how fantastic it was, how amazing they thought i was for being brave enough to do that. I didn't. I just knew it was something i had to do, to help myself. Even now, when i've left school (not long ago, only a few days ago!) teachers that i thought had no idea about me or my eating disorder, wrote messages of strength and pride, reminding me of the kind of person they think i am to give me that little bit of encouragement i need. Reminding me it's 'what's on the inside that's important' and to 'remain strong' and 'focus on achieving my dreams' to 'believe in myself and believe what other's say about me' and that 'one day you'll get there'

it dawned on me they must've seen it. Not that it was very hard to guess of course. and to know that they knew about my anorexia, or it had indeed confirmed what they had suspected and they still told me the same things about myself, they still treat me the same way as before, that they ultimately thought more of me as a person for trying to fight this illness gave me hope.

I really wish that others find this hope to! it might not last forever, it might not even last longer than a week or a day or even a minute, but every single bit of hope we get, we need to cling to it and some day, we'll have hung on to that much that we'll see the light at the end of the tunnel.

<3

TATTOOS!

I absolutely love my tattoos,
they represent my eating disorder perfectly.

the first one is about something i need- STRENGTH
which is a sparrow with the japanese meaning for stength underneath
which is on the back of my neck.

the second is my ultimate goal- FREEDOM.

this is a butterfly on my right hip with the japanese symbol for freedom underneath.

and im hoping for a final one,

not sure what yet, im sketching up some designs at the min.

but it will involved the NEDA symbol for recovery

im hoping to get this soon, because i really need a boost,

at the moment my confidence, esteeem, body image, and mentality are unbearable!

why can't i escape the 'fat' days?

its just endless.

and not seeing my therapist for two weeks either,

i dont know HOW im supposed to do this,

sometimes its hard not to wonder what the point is.

Lift - The Perfect song lyrics ♥

I know you're hurting, feels like you're learning
'bout life the hard way, and it ain't workin'

Seems like forever, that you've been falling
it's time to move on, you're life is calling yeah

This was never meant to be the end,
close your book and start again.

CHORUS
Cause i know how hard it can get
but you gotta lift, you gotta lift
and sometimes that's how it is
but i know you're stronger, stronger than this.
You gotta lift, You gotta lift

When you can feel you're whole body's aching
what's left in your heart it wont stop breaking
you gotta let go, you took a hit.
Time to pick up now,
move on from this..

This was never meant to be the end,
Close your book and start again

[CHORUS]
Cause i know, how hard i can get
you gotta lift, you gotta lift
and sometimes that's how it is,
but i know you're stronger than this, stronger than this,
you gotta

Lift yourself up above all the hurt
dont give in
wipe your eyes and remember
you're better than this
let them know they took their best shot and missed
C'mon and lift

This was never meant to be the end,
Close your book and start again,

[CHORUS]
pick up now..
pick  up now..






This song is a major inspiration to me, it gives me hope on the rainiest of days, maybe it will for you too,
Shannen Noll - Lift

Beginning.

Hello.

I'm currently recovering from anorexia nervosa. i've  never done a blog before and i don't really know where to start? do i tell my story? who knows. basically, i need venting space. I cant do it at school or home, i have to keep up this 'perfect' exterior that im totally sick of. it doesn't matter if nobody reads this, but i cant stay bottled up anymore. im alone. i have friends, dont get me wrong, but i need someone to TRUELY understand me, what i've been through, i need a common knowledge. If anyone out there knows how to help anyone in this situation, not just me, please post. there's too many people suffering from these horrible illnesses that need support, hopefully, together- we can all recover

all my love
C.
<3